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Far away wedding invitation etiquette.
I'm a relative new commer to my current home. The wedding is 900 miles away. My Fiance and I don't want to offend any of our co-workers by not inviting them, but we don't honestly expect any of them to make the trip. Many of them are also subordinates so we also fear that we'd make people feel obligated to send a gift. We can't afford a second party here, so what do we do?

Rainie

Dear Rainie,
Many brides and grooms are in this situation. I suggest you send out wedding announcements to these co-workers. This is not an invitation, but an announcement of your marriage. They may decide to host a co-ed shower for you or some type of party. If they do choose to do this accept the party gracefully. They will just want to share in your happiness. It is not necessary to send an announcement or an invitation to these co-workers. When an announcement is sent, a gift is not required. However, some friends will purchase a gift as a nice gesture.

Best Wishes,
Amy Mader

Hi Amy,
My bridal dress is ivory and my bridesmaids dresses are pink. Now the dresses that we're getting only comes in two colors, pink and ivory. So what I would like to know is so that my matron of honor's dress would be different from the maids of honor, would it be appropriate for her to wear the ivory dress the same color as mine. My flowergirl's dress will also be ivory or should she wear pink like the bridesmaids?

Thank You,
Ms. BridGette Beck

Dear BridGette,
You may choose to do either. If you choose to have all the maids in pink. You should consider giving the matron of honor a larger/different bouquet to distinguish her from the others. Because both variations are acceptable, you may want to ask your matron of honor what color she would prefer to be in.

Thank you for visiting Wedding Wire.
Amy Mader

My fiance and I live together and have a young son. Being that we have most everything that we need for our condo, how do we tactfully ask for monetary gifts in leu of presents for our wedding?

Also, if that is not appropriate, how do we let our guests know where the bridal registry is?

Thanks,
Melanie

Dear Melanie,
It is not proper to ask or request monetary gifts. You may register for items and verbally inform guests of your registry when they ask. You should not send registry cards in the wedding invitation. However, it is proper to send the registry cards in a shower invitation. Thank you for visiting Wedding Wire.

Amy Mader

My fiance has two nephews and because they are so close in age, and so close to him, we would not want one to be hurt by choosing one over the other to be the ring bearer, so we are going to have two ring bearers. This is my question, we want each boy to hold one of our rings. Now, I know that a lot of people don't actually let them carry the rings, but we want them to carry the actual rings. During what part of the ceremony would the rings be removed from the pillow? Would it be acceptable for the Maid-of-Honor to remove mine and the best man to remove my fiance's? If so, when in the ceremony should this be done. Thank you so much for your time! I really enjoyed this site, I got a lot of great information!!

Shannon Clark

Dear Shannon,
Thank you for visiting Wedding Wire. It would be so nice to have the boys each carry one ring. Actually, you will have them each carry a pillow and you will place immitation rings on the pillows. During the ceremony, the boys will hold the pillows and you may have the maid of honor and best man hold the bride and groom's ring. The maid of honor will wear the ring on her finger (make sure it does not stick) and the best man will hold the ring in his pocket. Your officiant will cue the best man and maid of honor at the appropriate time to give the rings. This is usually done after the vows.

Best Wishes,
Amy Mader

We are having our ceremony and reception at the same location. We are going to provide sitters for children. I have a couple questions concerning this... 1) should the sitters be paid per child, or per hour? and... 2) how should this be noted, in the invitation, or as a seperate insert?

Also my best friend is a man and he is going to be my maid of honor - but is there a more proper title for this 'position' since it is a man?

We are using your bridal registry site for our wedding web page - we just wanted to say thanks! Our familes love the fact that they can stay informed and up-to date about the big day!

Thanks
Jenn

Dear Jennifer,
What a nice service to provide for your guests. You should pay the babysitter by the hour (and take into consideration two kids per hour). The parents should offer to contribute to this fund. I would make an additional insert with the details of the babysitters with contact numbers (if the parents want to check references). You should also ask for head count of the children, with ages, so that you will be able to know how many children there will be.

Your friend's title will be ... Man of Honor.
Best Wishes,
Amy Mader

Hi Amy,
I'm so glad I found your page! You really have some great ideas. I am the Maid of Honor in an upcoming May wedding and thus am responsible for the bachelorette party. Do you have any suggestions for a fun, clean party? The other members of the bridal party and I had considered taking the bride on a weekend trip, but the bride does not really want to be out of town the weekend before her wedding. I would appreciate any thoughts you might have.

Thanks!
Elise

Dear Elise,
You should plan a weekend that would reflect the bride. Instead of going out of town, there are many things to do in town. On Saturday, you could go to a day spa with the bridesmaids, have dinner after and go to bars (if drinking will be allowed) or have an old fashioned slumber party with girl talk and stories. On Sunday, you could have a large brunch with a bridal shower (if not already done) afterwards. You may also decide to go golfing, take aerobics classes or go rollerskating. Althought these seem like juvenile ideas, they can be very fun with a group of girls. You may also have shirts printed with something like... (the bride's name) wild weekend... It is important to make the party according to the bride's wishes (but some unexpected things may be thrown into it).

Good Luck with the plans.
Amy Mader

Me and my fiance are planning a wedding in December of 1999. Is it too early to start planning it ,getting prices and stuff? We have no idea how much we need to save and we would really like to be prepared when the time comes. Problem is it seems so early and sort of silly to be thinking of it so soon. Please help.

Robin

Dear Robin,
It is not too early to begin saving and planning your wedding. You can interview wedding vendors (photographers, florists etc.) and finding out which styles you like. You may begin to "pour the foundation' of ideas and decide what would be the best thing to do. I would suggest that you wait on giving deposits until December of 1998. Many things can change with ideas, prices and vendors in a year. However, through your research and saving of money, you will be able to pay for your vendors and it will not seem as bad on your pocketbook. In addition, you will be able to enjoy the wedding planning process because you have enough time to make educated decisions in the wedding industry.

If I may be of any assistance to you, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Amy Mader

Dear Amy,
My daughter is getting married on July 4th outdoors on her grandparents beautiful farm. We have a large tent for reception (40 x 80) (200-250 people) and are debating over another tent for ceremony. 40 x 60 has two center poles. How do you avoid the bride and her party walking around the poles and still seat that many people?

Help!
Sincerely,
Ellen Hakes

Dear Ellen,
For the reception tent, you may seat the guests around the poles in such a way which will allow some of the guests to slide their chair into the pole. You must give them enough space so they are not cramed in a small section. For the ceremony tent, with most tents (although I have not seen your tent) you are able to utilize the two poles as your focal point of the center aisle and line the chairs accordingly. If this is not possible, then you may decide to have small tables around the poles and utilize them for the guest book, photos or a gift table.

Best Of Luck,
Amy Mader

Hi Amy!
I just visited your web site. I loved it!!! I just recently got engaged and have a couple of questions. First, we want to have an outdoor wedding. We know that we need to have a place on stand-by in case the weather is bad. I want to print the outdoor location on my invitations. How do I let guests know where the ceremony will be if the weather is bad.

Also, I have been trying to find an outline for what happens at the reception, and have not had any luck. Can you help me out?

Thanks,
Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,
You should not print the alternate location site on the invitation. You should have an additional sheet inside the invitation (you may have it printed or do it on your computer). You will have on this additional form... Alternative ceremony site in case of inclimate (bad) weather...have the directions and name of the site with address and phone number.
The order of reception activities are:


Announcement of wedding party
Announcement of bride and groom
Dinner
Best man's speech
Maid of honour speech
Any other speeches
Cutting of cake
First dance
Father/ daughter dance
Mother/groom dance
The grand march
Bouquet/garter toss
Bride and groom leave reception


This is a non-detailed list, but it will give you an idea of the events.

Best Wishes.
Amy Mader

My fiance wants to have a female attendent on his side at the wedding. My question is what would this female wear? Does she wear a tux like a male would or does she wear a dress? I want to do the proper thing. Thank you.

Charla

Dear Charla,
The female may wear a tuxedo top with a black skirt or a dress matching the bridesmaids (the same color or black) and she would just stand on the groom's side.

Best Wishes
Amy Mader

I am planning to get married in the fall of 1998 and very excited. I have been checking out wedding information and now I'm not sure that I even want to have a wedding. One reason is the high cost. We do not have the money for a really nice wedding. Also I am 38 years old and almost feel that it is all a bit much at this stage. All of my family and most of my friends out of town. So could you please give me some options other than a wedding for this special day. I would like to have a ceremony and have his immediate family meet my family on this day,have some type of formal dinner and maybe invite a few close friends, but I don't want it to look cheep. Maybe everyone could come in the day before and get aquainted...what do you think. Any information would be greatly apprieciated.

Thank You,
Taylor

Dear Taylor,
You wedding will be memorable reguardless of the cost. You may want to have a rehearsal dinner (this could be at your home as informal as a barbeque or as formal as a sit down dinner). This would be a great time for all of the friends and family to mingle with eachother. You may then choose to have a small ceremony with a dinner reception afterwards and a dance or cake and coffee. You will not seem cheap if you present it in a classic way. You will want to have a special dress, bouquet and flowers, a champagne toast and mingle with your guests. You may decide to have a theme wedding. I did a wedding here in Austin which was a large picnic. The guests wore shorts and t-shirts. We had kickball and softball games, dinner, cake and a dance. The bride and groom wore t-shirts which said bride and groom on them. It was a rustic scene with centerpieces that were cowboyboots with dried flowers and everything reflected cowboys. We had linen tablecloths with wedding napkins and colors that all blended. It is important to focus on the guests having fun and not solely on the money aspect. We had a great DJ and he kept the party going. You may also want to check on having a wedding on a Friday/Sunday or holiday weekend. Rates tend to be cheaper which may help you out. Just remeber to stay within your budget. Think of all the things that you would like to have and there are usually ways of finding what you would like (or something similar) for a lesser cost.

Best of Luck
Amy Mader

My question is about the gifts you give to your Maid of Honor and Best Man and those involved with the wedding, when is the proper time to give those gifts. My mother says after the wedding ceremony itself, someone else said at the rehersal, I say at the rehersal dinner because all those that are coming to the dinner are some how involved in the ceremony. What is your advice?

Thank you
Kelly

Dear Kelly,
The wedding party gifts should be given at the rehearsal dinner or you may give the women their gifts at the bridal luncheon on friday if you are having one.
Thank you for visiting Wedding Wire.

Amy Mader

At the alter, does the bride remove her long gloves before the ceremony starts, during ring exchange or not at all? Also does she wear them during the reception or not....while eating?

Thanks,
Wonder

Dear Wonder,
When gloves are worn, and the ring finger is not cut out, the bride will remove the left hand glove before the exchange of the rings and either give the glove to the maid of honor or lay it on the kneeler in front of her. Gloves are not worn during dinner but may be worn during the reception. Most brides choose to take off the gloves after the formal photos are taken and at the reception. Thanks for visiting Wedding Wire.

Amy Mader

Hi. I have two questions. First, my fiance has had a strained relationship with his family and has not spoken to them in months. He does not want to invite them to the wedding, but my mother says they should be, even though they show no interest in it. How do we handle seating, the programs, etc. Are they still considered guests of honor if they come?

Second, I would like to have the guests at each table sing a song if they want us to kiss. I read a poem that could be put on the tables to inform the guests of this. Do you happen to know one?

Thanks.
Sarah Howe

Dear Sarah,
Although he may have a strained relationship with his family, invitations should be sent to the family members. If they do come, they should be seated in the traditional format unless your future husband would prefer they not sit in the front.

Most brides and grooms choose their own poem to put on the table explaining the singing for a kiss. I do not know of a generic poem. We customize the poem to fit the bride and groom.

Best Wishes,
Amy Mader

I am giving a bridal brunch with an around the clock theme in which each guest is assigned an hour of the day to buy an appropriate gift. I need help in finding a game or games that can be altered to include our around the clock theme.

Thanks,
Tiffany

Dear Tiffany,
You may play almost any game at a shower. To encourage the guests to mingle, you may have them play the game of telephone (where they have to relay messages to eachother) or you may give them a name tag with clues of a guest on it and they need to find that person by asking them the clues. You may also have the guests tell stories of the bride and groom and the guests need to say if the stories are true or false. As far as the time is concerned, you may have the guests fill out their daily schedule and put it in a box without a name on it. The schedules will be read out loud and the reader will need to find the owner.
All of these games can be fun with a little personal twist added to them.

Good Luck,
Amy Mader

Hi Amy,
I am getting married in June 1998 and will be married by a Justice of the Peace since neither of us are religious. We are holding the ceremony in a chapel with approximately 100 of our friends and family present. With this in mind, we are at the point where we have to structure the ceremony as we wish. Having the freedom to do this is great, but, neither of us are real familiar with the format of a wedding ceremony. We would like it to last 20 to 30 minutes and include 2 poems which we have selected already (these would only take a total of about 5 minutes tops). Aside from these poems, the exchanging of vows (standard, not our own) and exchanging of rings, what else can we include to make up the time?

Also, my fiancee's parents have promised us money for the wedding which they claimed they were going to start sending us in December. Unfortunately, we have not seen a penny and when my fiancee asks them about it, they don't say much but "...we're working on it". They are not the most reliable people in the world but I didn't think they were going to stiff us on this?! How shall I go about handling this? We were relying on this money to help pay for the reception.

Thanks for all your help,
Meredith

Dear Meredith,
You may consider adding music to increase the time of your ceremony. Your ceremony could be like this:


Processional (your song entering the ceremony)
Greeting by officiant
Song (anyone you wish)
Reading/poem
Song
Reading/poem
Exchange of vows
Exchange of rings
Lighting of unity candle ( is not a religious thing... symbolizes the Joining of 2 lives a song is played at this time)
Presentation of flowers to mothers
Presentation of bride and groom to guests
Recessional (leaving song)


This will extend your time.
Your fiancee should approach his parents about the money. If you would like to be there, then the two of you should go together, but you should not ask them by yourself. The two of you may ask them "what they would like to contribute" and then explain to them that you need to make deposits on certain things. You may also explain to them that the reception hall needs to go on a payment plan (a little each month). This will help pay for the reception and you will have it paid for ahead of time. If you are concerned about not receiving the money, I would not work it into the budget and if they come through, you will not be relying on their money. Unfortunately, you are not able to force someone to give you the money, but they should not be punished if they decide to not give it. It will be a long life with them if this causes anger between the four of you.

Best of Luck to you,
Amy Mader

Hi Amy,
I am wondering if there are certain discount bridal gown stores in NJ and in Portland, OR. I am not american but I will be going to the U.S. and I want to buy a gown from there. My wedding is in July. Can you help me please???

Thank you very much.
Mary

Dear Mary,
I am unaware of any discount stores in those areas. When you get to those areas, you will want to look for a store which is affiliated with Discount Bridal Service. You may find them at www.discountbridalservice.com. They offer substantial discounts on formalwear. You should order your wedding gown by March to ensure that it is in by your wedding.

Best of Luck,
Amy Mader

Dear Amy,
I just found your page on the internet and do I wish I'd had it earlier! I am getting married in 2 months and have a couple of questions for you. My husband-to-be is a pilot in the Air Force. We are having a saber arch team from the arch of steel in the sanctuary so we, and the wedding party, will walk under them leaving the sanctuary. He and I are also paying for the rehearsal dinner. Do we need to ask the saber arch team to come to the rehearsal and dinner? Also, I am asking 4 friends-of-friends to handle a nursery during the ceremony for anyone who wants to drop off children. How much should I pay them? There are 2 adults and 2 teenagers who will be doing this for me. Lastly, do you have any advise on what to get bridesmaids who are in their 30's?
Thanks for your help!
Marci

Dear Marci,
Thank you for visiting Wedding Wire. It is not necessary for the saber arch team to be invited to the rehearsal dinner, but it is a very nice gesture and most bridal couples do invite them. The babysitters should be paid what their going rate is. I believe that babysitters receive 5.00 per hour. You may want to provide them with pizza or dinner in addition to paying for their service. Your bridesmaids gifts should reflect something about you. I have had brides give their bridesmaids Monet pictures, "Chicken Soup For The Soul" books, picture frames with a photo of the two of you in it, or gift certificates for a body or nail massage or Bath and Bodywork's store merchandise.
Best Wishes,
Amy Mader

Dear Amy,
In order to keep within our budget, we have decided to make our own invitations. With all the different cardstock available, we have found a very nice layout. The problem that I am coming up with is envelopes. Is it acceptable or not have an inner envelope and if it is how do I specify who is invited to the wedding?
We have space for a verse on the front of the card. Is that acceptable as a place to specify that children are invited?
Frances Wristen

Dear Frances,
You may eliminate the inner envelope and you may specify on the outer envelope who is invited. For example: with an inner envelope you would do this: Mr and Mrs. Joseph Smith, address etc. and the inner envelope would have Joe, Mary, Timmy and Mallory. In your situation, you would have on the envelope: Mr and Mrs. Joseph Smith and family or Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Smith, (line 2) Timmy and Mallory, address, etc. It is not necessary for you to place that children are invited if you place on the outer envelope "and family".
Best Wishes
Amy Mader

Dear Amy,
My fiance and I have planned a formal wedding in June with a ceremony that will begin at 4:30 and a sit-down dinner reception that will begin at 6:00. I was raised in the South, and I've never been to a wedding that began during daylight hours where the men wore tuxedos, but that seems to be the practice in the North. I feel that morning suits would be appropriate. If I am correct, my fiance would like to wear a four-in-hand tie. Which type of collar is appropriate?

Another North/South problem I'm having is with the receiving line. At all the weddings I've attended, the receiving line was formed at the reception. It either formed before or after the initial toasts. However, it seems commonplace in the North to receive guests outside the church immediately after the ceremony. I can't think of anything worse than having people stand in line on the side of the road in the June heat to say hello when the same thing can be accomplished in comfort at the reception. My fiance agrees with me wholeheartedly. Should there be some note in the program to this effect? Will people be waiting outside the church expectantly if we don't mention it?

Directly related to my receiving line question is a question about introductions. The practice of introducing everyone in the wedding party, generally to the tune of the "Rocky" theme, seems to be the norm. My fiance says that if we don't do these announcements, everyone will think we are weird. I don't personally like the idea, but, if I do include it in the reception, when should it be done in regards to the receiving line? It seems silly to have a receiving line where everyone meets us, and then have the DJ introduce us again. Or should we have the introductions and then have the DJ announce that the receiving line will form at such-and-such a location in the room so that everyone has a chance to say congratulations?
Tara Whittle

Dear Tara,
Lets begin with the first question...
With the four in hand tie, you may wear a standard collared shirt (which you may rent at a tuxedo shop). It will look like a dress shirt. You may have the celebrant marrying you announce (before he pronounces you man and wife) that the receiving line will be held at the reception. This is the best way to do it. Guests may not notice it in the program. The announcements are becoming popular because brides are choosing to not have their entire wedding party in the receiving line. The reason for this change is due to the time contraints weddings have. Instead, the parents and the bridal couple are in the receiving line and the wedding party is circulating around the room and talking with guests. Therefore, the announcements are appropriate. If you choose to have the announcements and the entire wedding party is in the line, they should be done before the receiving line begins.
Best Wishes,
Amy Mader

Dear Amy,
My fiance and I are planning to "tie the knot" before the Justice of the Peace. However, it is important that our friends and family celebrate this day with us, and we would like to have a small brunch or dinner reception afterward, perhaps at a resturant. (Small meaning no more than 30 people). Should we issue invitations, and what is the proper wording for such? Also, should we still register? Should guests be expected to bring gifts seeing as how this is not the "traditional" format of a wedding?
Thank you!
Michele

Dear Michele,
You should send out invitations. They may either be hand written or professionally printed. You will use the the following wording if your guests are not invited to the ceremony, but to the reception:
In honour of our marriage, we, bride and groom's name, request the honour of your presence at our reception on, date nineteen hundred and ninety eight, at (time), place of reception.
You should still register because your guests will purchase a gift for you and they appreciate to have a registry to go to. Guests are never expected to bring gifts. They bring gifts because they want to regardless of the formality of the wedding.
Best Wishes,
Amy Mader

Dear Amy,
Thanks for the Website - I love it.
Recently I attended a bridal show and one of the ladies talking at it mentioned some sort of tax benifit for the bride's parents. She did not elaborate on the topic and I can not find any information regarding this. Are portions of the wedding considered deductions?? Barbara Guracech

Dear Barbara,
I am unaware of any tax benefit for the wedding industry. The only one I am familiar with is that if you are married at the end of the year 12/31 you may claim being married for the entire year. You may want to consult your accountant as they may be of better service to you.
Amy Mader

Dear Amy,
My mother is giving me away, not my father. At the reception how should I handle the issue of the father daughter dance and mother son dance? I don't want my fiance to miss out because of my family. DJ's I spoke with said to dance with a brother or uncle, but that isn't an option. Is it possible, without being awkward, for him to have a mother son dance and me to have nothing?
Michelle

Dear Michelle,
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. It is possible for you to not have any special dance, but why would you want that? I would suggest that you dedicate a special song to your mother and dance with her. Some songs you may use are : "You've Got a Friend" by James Taylor, "Sail My Vessel" by Garth Brooks, or maybe there is a song that is special between the two of you.
Thank you for visiting Wedding Wire.
Amy Mader

Dear Amy,
I like your website and appreciate your indepth answers to people's questions. I have a question that is kind of out of the ordinary and am wondering if you can point me in the right direction. My fiance and I have decided that it is more meaningful to us to have a very small wedding in Italy rather than a family ordeal where we live. (Neither of us are Italian, we just like Italy) The problem is that we don't know how to go about planning our Italian wedding. I'm concerned about legal aspects and more concerned about finding someone to do the ceremony who speaks Italian. Do you have any idea of where to start on this quest?
Lee

Dear Lee,
Thank you for visiting Wedding Wire. The first thing I would do would be to contact the American Embassy in the U.S. and ask them what their policies are concerning weddings. They will hopefully refer you to the proper office to talk about your marriage and what needs to be done. This is where I would start and I hope that it helps you. Best Wishes.
Amy Mader

When dancing is out of the question at the reception what else can be done?

Danielle

Dear Danielle,

You may choose to have cake and background music played at the reception. Also you may choose to play games with your guests. Some of these games may be: the newlywed game ( with all married couples), the dating game with your single friends, wedding pictionary, the family feud or wedding family jeopardy. For an ice breaker, you may give all the guests name tags with a persons name on it and clues about that person. The guest will then need to go around to find the guest without asking their name until all the clues have been used. This is a great way to get all the guests to mingle and talk with eachother. I hope these ideas help.

Hi Amy,

My brother is getting married, and I have the job of coming up with a poem about a bell, which will be placed by each placesetting...I'm braindead, could use some help and advice.

Thanks ! Debbie

Dear Debbie,

Thank you for visiting Wedding Wire. Please go to the Wedding Wire home page, www.weddingwire.com, click on tips and information, click on wedding poems. Here you will find poems that I have located for visitors use. If you do not like any of these poems, I would suggest going to a bookstore or library and looking under the following poets: Elizabeth Barret Browning, Percy Bushy Shelley, Samuel Rogers or e.e. cummings.

Sincerely,
Amy Mader

Dear Amy,

Thank you so much for your last response regarding our wedding invitations. I have another question for you if you find the time....

I am making cross-stitches for my Brides Maids and have found a beautiful border pattern. I want to stitch a poem (probably the same one for each of them) and can't seem to find anything. I have looked on the internet and in book stores but nothing jumps out at me yet. Do you know of any poems about friendship that would be appropriate??

Thank you!
Christina

Dear Christina,

Friendship makes a fair day out of the storms and tempests of affection and brings daylight to the darkness and confusion of thoughts. ~Mme. de Layfayette

Friendship is the wine of life. ~Edward Young

Friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never and opportunity. ~Kahlil Gibran

Friendship improves happiness, and abates misery, by doubling our joy, and dividing our grief. ~Joseph Addison

The most I can do for my friend is simply to be a friend. ~Henry David Thoreau

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. ~Walter Winchell

Friendship is a union of spirits, a marrriage of hearts, and the bond of virtue. ~William Penn

Friendship is a sheltering tree. ~Samuel Taylor Coleridge

A constant friend is rare and hard to find. ~Plutarch

Promises may get friends, but it is a performance that must and keep them. ~Owen Felltham

May our house always be too small to hold all of our friends. ~Myrtle Reed

We have been frieds together in sunshine and shade. ~Caroline Norton

Without a friend, the world is but a wilderness. A man amy have a thousand intimate acquiantances and not a friend among them all. If you have one true friend, think yourself rich.

The ornaments of your home will be the guests who frequent it.

Sincerely,
Amy Mader

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