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Dear Amy,
I am getting married December 26, 1998 and am busy in planning the details of our Holiday themed wedding. A few questions have come up that I wanted to pass on to you for any insight.

1. I really want to have wedding favors, but am running dry on ideas at this point. Our wedding is a formal evening affair, black-tie optional with 300 guests approximately. Do you have any ideas for favors that will compliment our theme and not cheapen it? I thought about bells or Christmas ornaments at each seat.
2. I have a problem with my parents. My fiance's parents are still together, but mine had a very bitter divorce that estranged me from my mother. She was upset after finding out her name isn't on the invitations (Dad is hosting the wedding and paying for almost everything). I had brunch with her last weekend and my Grandmother and she first stated that if she wasn't going to be included, then she wasn't coming. She has been making statements to her side of the family that she can't give away her daughter because she doesn't know my fiance and made cynical comments to that effect directly to us several weeks ago at a wedding we all attended. I feel like a phony including her in everything. She used the divorce to push my sister and I out of her life and not once in four years has made an attempt to know my future husband who is such an exceptional person. I told her this at brunch. She then went on to offer to pay for the cake and to give money for the honeymoon. I don't want to deny her the opportunity to be involved, even if the timing is terrible and so "eleventh-hour." My problem is this . . . how can I include her and not make everyone else uncomfortable? Dad doesn't want to have anything to do with her. My future in-laws are uncomfortable and my baby sister, who is my 19 year old maid of honor, is angry and intimidated by her. I want to extend goodwill, and not purposely exclude her, but if she feels slighted, everyone on her side of the family will rally around her and be angry. Any advice would be so greatly appreciated!!

Thank you for posting all of the other correspondence on your web page. It is so good to see that I am not alone in the search for knowledge when it comes to having the wedding of my dreams!

Best Regards,
Tamara

Dear Tamara,
I would do the ornaments at each setting or have a small bag of mistletoe for the guests to take home.
As far as your mother, I would send her an invitation to all the wedding functions and probably expect her to be there. Be cordial but I would not exclude her. If she wants to give you money, that is fine bu try not to expect anything. Whatever you decide to do, make sure your dad is aware of what you are doing.

Amy Mader

I am the Maid of Honor in a wedding in July 1999. The bride's invitations have a picture from Kimberly Andrews collection. I wanted to find a cake topper (or try to) for her with the Kimberly Andrews kids on it. Where could I find such a catalog?

Thanks!
Jeanette Burns

Dear Jeanette,
I would askt he bride where she got her invitations from and go through there to find a cake top. Otherwise, I would check with a local baker or accessory shop which provides caketops. You should go in with a photo and see what they may help you with.

Amy Mader

I was wondering if you could answer a queston for me? I will be getting married in Sept of 99, the problem is that my fiance has been married and this will be his second wedding. I am catholic and would like to get married in a Church due to the circumstance we can not be married in my church. I was wondering what other religions are the closest to the catholic religion, any help will be appreciated. I do not see any information on this in your page.

Thank you,
Paula

Dear Paula,
I would suggest you look into the Episcopalian or Lutheran religion. I think that these are the closest to the catholic religion.

Amy Mader

What is the proper ettiquette for putting "black tie" on an invitation? Does it go on the bottom right or left hand corner of the invitation? I've seen it written both ways. Also, if we decide black tie will be optional, is "black tie invited" the proper wording? One more thing, when addressing envelopes, is it proper to put both people's names (assuming they're not married) on the same line, or on separate lines? For example:


      Mr. John Doe              or               Mr. John Doe and Mrs. Jane Smith
      Mrs. Jane Smith                            Address, etc.
      Address, etc.


Thank you for any help you can give.

Dear Monica,
Black tie should be in the bottom left hand corner and you should have it all be black tie with not options. Names should be on different lines.

Amy Mader

Our wedding is in march 99 and I have been going crazy planning every thing.I have been making all the flower arrangements for our wedding of 200+ people. This includes my boquet (everything is silk). It has been a real joy because I have complete control of the way things look as far as flowers. It is also a good money saver, but I am having problems because I would like to make flowers for the ceremony and then just take the arrangements with me for the reception. Is this appropriate? I only plan to have 2 large basket floral arrangements so it won't be a lot to move. One other question. Do I need to buy gifts for the moms, dads, and grandparents?

Dear Nicole,
What a wonderful way to save money. That is perfectly acceptable. Just make sure you assign the task of transporting the flowers from the ceremony to the reception to someone other than yourself. Gifts should be purchased for the mom, dads and grandparents.

Amy Mader

I recently went to a wedding where there were several small children at the ceremony. Two of the children began crying, the parents did not do the courteous thing and leave the ceremony, they stayed and the children screamed and cried throughout the entire ceremony. It was so loud that we could not even hear the bride and groom exchange their vows. My friend (the bride) told me later that the video of the ceremony was also ruined because of this, you couldn't hear anything but the crying. My boyfriend and I will be getting married in the near future and I want to avoid the same thing happening at our wedding. We have several small children in our family that I know will be at the wedding. What is the etiquette concerning having a nursery for small children during the ceremony? And how would you word that on the invitation? I'm not really sure what to do. I just know that I want to avoid this problem before it happens.

Thanks for your advice.
Jacqueline

Dear Jacqueline,
You may put on the invitaiton "Adult only reception" or you may place a card in the invitation stating that a nursery will be provided. You will then hire babysitters to watch the children and most churches have a nursery area or a cry room.

Amy Mader

Amy,
I am a first time user to Wedding Wire and have tons of questions to ask. The main question I need an answer to is when I do the registry thing at any wedding website, the products that I mark, will they send me a bill or how does that work. I am really confused. My second question is, I am getting married in November of '99. For the reception, I want to have it at a dining hall at a local hotel. Is it terrible to serve finger sandwiches, chips, dip and punch along with the cake instead of cocktails, caviar and etc.? Thanks a bunch.

Decie

Dear Kathy,
I am not sure if I am understanding your question. If you are registering on other websites that cost you money (Wedding Wire is free), I would presume that they would be sending you a bill. However, I would send an e-mail to find out what their policy is. If you are just signing up for a registry at a department store, you do not get charged for this. This is usually a free service provided so that your guests will be able to know what you would prefer to have for a wedding gift.

It is not terrible to serve sandwiches etc. You may serve whatever you want. Just make sure you like the taste of it.

Amy Mader

My fiance and I each have 5 attendants on our side. However, I am having 2 of my attendants be maids of honor while he is only having his father be his best man. What is the best order for a processional and recessional and also what duties should I distribute to the maids of honor? Also, is it appropriate to have an usher be a reader also?

Thank you,
Vangie Mixon

Dear Vangie,
You can decide on the processional of the group. The maid of honor closest to you you should be the one you have the closest relationship with. You may go to the weddingwire tips and information section and the wedding party duties will be listed there.

Amy Mader

What is the proper placement of the wedding and engagement rings? Do you wear the wedding band in towards your hand and the engagement ring on the outside? Or is it the other way around?

Paula

Dear Paula,
The wedding band is worn on the left ring finger and should be the closest ring to your heart. The engagement ring is worn on top of the badn closest to your knuckle.

Amy Mader

Dear Amy,
I have planned a wedding that is to take place on the 21st of Nov. And this is going to be somewhat of an unusual setup as far as the Wedding Party is concerned and I wanted your opinion. My Fiance and I were both married in the past and though there were no children from his seven year marriage, from mine there are four. Three girls and one boy (of which is the youngest) they range in age from 9 years down to 6 years. Instead of having the traditional Wedding Party we have planned to have my son as the "Best Man" and my daughters as the "Bride Attendants" and was wondering how you feel that this would look. I thought that this would seem more as a "Family" ceremony since it will definitely be the beginning of ALL of our lives together as a family! Please e-mail me at you earliest convenience !!! I don't have long!!! Thanks! Oh and one more thing Amy! Since my parents wont be the "Host" of the wedding I'm not sure on the etiquette for writing the invitations can you help me???? Thanks SO much!

Lori

Dear Lori,
It think your family idea wil be just wonderful. When my father was remarried 5 years ago, the 7 children ( 5 from him and 2 from her) and their spouses were the attendants. It truly was a family affair and we all had a wonderful time.

Your invitation wording will be as follows:
Bride's name
and Groom's name
request the honor
of your presence
at their marriage
etc.



Best Wishes,
Amy Mader

Do you have any suggestions for gifts for the groom, mother of the bride, mother of the groom and grandmothers?

Dear LeeAnn,
Mothers and grandmothers: handkerchiefs with your wedding date on them, photo frames with photos of the two of you in them, compacts or a piece of jewelry.
Groom: watch, collectable figurine or an engraved ring.

Amy Mader

I have been asked to say grace before dinner at a small wedding reception in the event that the minister cannot attend. The service is non denominational. Any suggestions or resources for content?

Thanks for your help.
Alan

Dear Alan,
I would refer to a speech/toasting book. Although you are not giving a toast, the book will give you some ideas.You may decide to read a poem concerning the enviornment or something like that.
Amy Mader

Hi Amy!!
I was just looking at your Wedding Wire site. (which is awesome!!) I am planning a wedding and really want to do something "different" when leaving the church. Rather than having my guests throw rice, bird seeds or blow bubbles. I am having a hard time coming up with something different! If you have any suggestions, I would greatly appreciate it!! Thanks very much!!!!

Dear Danielle,
I would suggest throwing confetti, rose petals or streamer bombs or lighting sparklers if you are getting married in the evening.

Amy Mader

Dear Amy,
I am the matron of honor at my best friends wedding which is going to be Dec. 31, 1998. It is coming up soon and there are still alot of things that need to get done! The one problem that she is having, is that she does not know of any reputable photographers in the Austin area. If you could, would you please suggest some. Your help is very much appreciated!

Thank you,
Dawn

Dear dawn,
You should contact the following photographers: Peter Staats, Innovative Photography, Ann Butler Photography, Evergreen Studios, Lisa Tolman Photography and Steve Armstrong Photography.

Amy Mader

Dear Amy,
My friend of a friend is planning a summer wedding next year and just loves butterflies. She was informed from someone that instead of releasing a pair of doves, they released a bunch of butterflies. I myself never heard of this, but i think it would be very unique. My question is, where would you be able to locate so many butterflies? I would realy apprecate it if you could find some information on this.

Thank you. Esther

Dear Esther,
You may contact Micheals Fluttering Wings at 512.547.5568 or http://mgfx.com/flutter/

Amy Mader

I am planning a Christmas Wedding (Dec 19, 1998) and was wondering if you had any alternative ideas to the "over used" unity candle. My ceremony is somewhat traditional, but with some creative and unique touches. (I just found your website, and it is wonderful.)

Jen

Dear Jennifer,
At a recent wedding, we took two vases and filled them with water and food coloring. One vase was yellow and one was blue. Then we combined the two waters into one large vase to show the unity of the two families.

Amy Mader

Dear Amy,
My sister is getting married in early December. She wanted to send invitations to her neighbors for the church ceremony. They will not be invited to the reception but she would like them to know they are welcome to the church. Her future mother-in-law says that this is just a way to ask for gifts. Is it rude to invite neighbors to the church only and should she just tell them herself or should she send the invitation? A response would be appreciated. Thanks in advance for your help.

Alyssa

Dear Alyssa,
She should not send an invitation to the church only. This is in very bad taste. All guests should be invited to both. She may consider sending out an announcement the day of her wedding to let the friends know she was married.

Amy Mader

I HAVE A QUESTION REAGRDING DENOMINATIONS. MY FIANCE IS CATHOLIC AND I AM LUTHERAN AND WE CAN'T SEEM TO AGREE ON WHAT DENOMINATION TO GET MARRIED UNDER. CAN YOU EXPLAIN THE DIFFERNCES OR TELL US WHERE TO LOOK TO FIND SOME INFORMATION ABOUT THIS. I AM ALSO LOOKING FOR INFORMATION ON THE TRADITIONS BECAUSE I AM GERMAN AND HE IS HISPANIC. HOPE YOU CAN HELP US-THANKS.

NAOMI

Dear Naomi,
I would contact a Catholic and Lutheran church in your area and make appointments with the priest and revrend to discuss the religions. I would also attend mass at both churches to see which one you prefer. This should be done fairly quick because you will need to have your marriage preparation classes completed before your wedding.

Amy Mader

At what time of the ceremony would white dinner jackets be appropriate?? I'm planning an outdoor, summer, formal, 4:30 or 5:00 ceremony and understand that tuxedos aren't traditionally appropriate before 6:00. I have seen several weddings highlighted in bridal magazines with men wearing white dinner jackets at afternoon weddings, but I haven't been able to find anything specifically on this subject. I really don't care for cutaways which I keep seeing as the traditional attire and am looking for other alternatives. I would appreciate any guidance.

Dear Bre,
You may wear white dinner jackets before 6pm. It is not proper to wear black tuxedos before 6pm (although many bridal parties do..).

Amy Mader

My best friend is getting married in a month. Her future sister-in-law is horrible and has been known to cause problems. The bride-elect and groom are planning to un-invite the future sister-in-law. I've suggested chatting with the groom's parents and keeping her on the list of those invited for fear that she may crash the wedding anyway and do something awful. Do I try anything else or just keep listening and be ready to step in if a crisis results?

Sarah

Dear Sarah,
I would keep her invited to the wedding and be ready to step in if their is a situation that needs to be dealt with.

Amy Mader

Amy, great site here, you really are a life-saver! I am SO confused regarding the color scheme of the wedding attire. Our wedding is taking place in Feb. 1999 in the early evening, under 100 guests, so that makes it semi-formal, right? I am wearing an ivory floor-length A-line (trainless) dress, and would like my Maid of Honor to wear an elegant, ankle-length suit. My fiance wants to wear a black tuxedo with a gold-accented vest with a black, gold and burgundy tie. My 18-yr. old son will be giving me away, and I don't particularly want to see him in a black suit or tux, but would prefer to see him in a nice gray suit with a burgundy tie. Is it ok for my son and the Best Man both to wear gray suits with burgundy ties? Or should the Best Man be in a black tux also? I have this idea in my head that the grey from the suits and the gold (from Groom's vest) won't match. If it's alright for them both to wear gray suits, would our Maid of Honor match in champagne? See, I told you I was confused!! I hope you can help...and thanks a LOT!!

Debi

Dear Debi,
It is alright for your son to wear a suit but the groomsmen should be in a tux. I would suggest that your son wear a tux because he will be giving you away and you will be dressed in more than a simple dress. You should also consider that you will be having photos taken with your husband and son and it will be more pleasing to have them match. Also, I would keep the attendant in burgundy. That will be beautiful...champagne will also be alright for her to wear.

Amy Mader

I want to have a cake with charms attached to ribbons in the cake. Do you have any idea where to get these charms???? I need them asap as the wedding is in three weeks! Also, what kind of cake is it that the charms get baked into?

Jeri

Dear Jeri,
You may locate these charms at any wedding accessory store or you may call Exquisite Weddings Catalog. I do not have their number but you may call information 1.800.555.1212 to find it. The charms are placed in the second tier of the wedding cake and the bridesmaids will each pull one out.

Amy Mader

What colors are appropriate for our mothers to wear for our navy and white wedding. We don't want the colors to clash and aren't sure which colors to choose. Please help us.

Thanx,
Nicole

Dear Nicole,
The colors I would suggest are: sand taupe, hunter green, burgundy, ice blue, petal pink or yellow.

Amy Mader

I was invited to a egagement party which requires us to wear (hats) This is the first such party I have been to. My question is do you bring a gift? What is the proper ettiqute for this type of party? What is it with the hats?!!

Robert

Dear Robert,
It is customary for you to bring a gift to the party. The hats may just be part of a gag that the host may be planning.

Amy Mader

Dear Amy,
My cousin was recently engaged and had a bridal shower. A week before the wedding, the couple called it off. No gifts have been returned, and I was wondering what the appropriate behavior would be concerning the gifts. Since the wedding did not take place, should the couple keep the monetary wedding shower gifts. It was a greenback (money only) bridal shower. Please respond since you are the only website I was able to find concerning bridal ettiquette.

Many thanks,
Tyrene1

Dear Tyrene,
All the gifts need to be returned, money or purchased gift, to the owner with a note stating unfortuantely the wedding did not take place but their thoughtfullness was appreciated. These gifts should be returned AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!!

Amy Mader

Hi Amy,
I ended up finding the poem which is as follows:

For the Bride and Groom to show love so true,
The old familiar clank won't do.
Ryan and Terri will kiss for you,
As long as you follow these rules so few.
Recall a song with lyrics that include the word "love",
Gather your table and raise your voices above.
Your song must be heard loud and sweet,
Before those newlywed lips will meet.

You can use this on your web page if you wish.

Sincerely,
Jennifer Klever

I am the grooms father and would like to know what is a nice toast at the rehearsal dinner. Thanks.

Sincerely,
Jack

Dear Jack,
The best toast that you can give is one that comes from the heart. I can tell you the structure of the toast which is: introduction of yourself, thank guests for attending and acknowledging ones who have travelled from far, the importance of the day to you, fond memory of the bride, groom or both, your reflections on the day, and a congratulations to the bride and groom. You may choose to read a poem, excerpt or tell a joke. Personalize the speech to the couple and most of all, be relaxed.

Good Luck,
Amy Mader

Where can I find information on wedding etiquette as far as who does what. We are having trouble with the groom's mother wanting to take charge of everything...trying to choose the type of wedding, number of guests, etc. Is there something in writing I can show her that outlines each person't responsibilities? Thank you.

Rita Russell, Mother of the Bride (maybe)

Dear Rita,
I would look at the Bride's Book on Etiquette which is available at most bookstores. Unfortunately, the groom will need to step in and with his future wife, explain to the mother that this is their wedding adn although they appreciate her efforts, they will be making the final decision.

Sincerely,
Amy Mader

Dear Amy,
I hope you can help me out since I have not seen my concern addressed in wedding etiquette books. I am a school teacher. I do not plan to send an invitation to each person at school but instead put out a blanket invitation with an RSVP sheet attached. Because we are having our reception in an old southern home, we do not want children at the reception for fear of them running willy-nilly around the house. (I have seen the way some of my coworkers' children act in public adding to my fears of their poor behavior.) Is it rude to put on the RSVP sheet that we don't want children attending (i.e. Please, no children under 10)? What is the best way to phrase our wishes? I hope you have a suggestion!

Thanks,
Angie

Dear Angie,
Unfortunately, you will not be able to find the answer you are looking for in an etiqutte book. This is because etiqutte states that an invitation should not be posted, but each guest should receive their own personal invitation. However, if you are going to do this, you need to list on the invitation or sign up sheet that it is an "Adult Only Reception". I think that it is difficult to limit an age on the invitation. Adults are conisdered anyone over the age 18.

Best Wishes,
Amy Mader

Your last response to my dance question provided me with some much needed stress releif, so I hope you don't mind my asking 3 more quick questions to completely eliminate my stress. My upcoming October 16th evening (7pm) wedding, is taking place at a small restaraunt which our party will have to itself . There is no aisle for me to walk down and it really will be an informal event (I will probably wear a suit style dress that I can use again at work and a judge will conduct the ceremony).
1. Should the groom I be present to welcome everyone as they arrive?? (or should I come in seperately after everyone is there)
2. Is it acceptable for the guests to stand during the brief ceremony (with seats for the elderly of course)?
3. And finally, with only a Best Man & Maid of Honor to attend us - we planned on sitting in the center of the room with our 45 guests seated around us - Is this an acceptable seating plan?

Thank-you so much for help! Your web page has been a great source of information and ideas for me.

Laurie

Dear Laurie,
It is your choice to welcome the guests as they arrive. Although your wedding will be informal, you are still able to have the "traditional" bridal introduction where the guests do not see you until the ceremony begins. Having been a bride myself, as well as working with brides on their day, I would suggest to you to not greet your guests. Before the wedding, you are able to spend time with your maid of honor and relax. Having to greet guests may cause stress on your part. Although they will be telling you "You look wonderful", they will unconsciously be asking you "Are you nervous?". Therefore, I would choose to spend quite time with my attendants. It is perfectly acceptable for your guests to stand, but I would make sure that parents, grandparents, immediate family members (siblings) and any other guest needing assistance do have a place to sit. It will be very quaint to have your guests surrounding you at the reception. I think that you will really enjoy this arrangement.

Amy Mader

I would like to include reception information on the invitation directly under the rest of the wording. How is this usually phrased?

Melissa

Dear Melissa,
You are talking about having a corner copy on your invitation which appears in the left bottom corner. You may word this as follows:

Reception immediately following
Name of reception site

or

Dinner 2:00pm
Dance 4:00pm
Name of reception site


Amy Mader

At the end of the ceremony, before the benediction and presenting of the bride and groom, I would like the attendants' to pledge to help us uphold our vows, etc. etc. I have seen this done before, but I am unsure of the wording and the like. Do you have any ideas or any place I might look for ideas? It is sort of a "vows for bridesmaids and groomsmen". Thank you in advance. My wedding is two weeks away, I need something fast!

Lori

Dear Lori,
I have seen this done before at weddings, but I have done this right before the bride and groom exchange their wedding vows. Your officiant should have examples of this. However, the following questions may be used: Do you promise to uphold the vows of the bride and groom? Do promise to support their decisions with their marriage and family? Do you promise to honor their realtionship and the vows they have promised to eachother today?

Congratulations,
Amy Mader

Do the parents of the bride and groom ride in the limosine?

Melissa

Dear Melissa,
The parents may or may not ride in the limo. It is up to the discresion of the bridal couple. If you are able to have a limo for them, you may want to have a separate 6 person limo reserved for the parents to ride in.

Amy Mader

My friend wants to have a Jack and Jill party, which means she wants a party that includes both her & her future hubby & all their friends instead of just a regular bridal shower. The question is how do you throw one? What type of games are played & how do you go about the schedule of events? If you could help that would be great!

Thank you,
Richelle

Dear Richelle,
A Jack and Jill party is really fun to do. It is a joint shower with a dinner and then the gifts are open. Some hosts decide to rent a restaurant and have a dance with a DJ and a full bar. This is like a mini wedding reception. Invitations need to be sent out and the games that may be played are:
The Newlywed Game, The Dating Game (for single couples), "How well do you know your mate?", or The Bridal Feud (Family Feud between the wedding party members). You will make up the questions. Your schedule will be dinner and drinks, games and then dancing. You may be as elaborate or as simple as you like.

Best of Luck,
Amy Mader

My fiance and I have a question about wedding officiants. We are having our wedding ceremony and reception at a winery in June 1999. Neither of us is particularly religious (also, her family is Jewish and mine is Christian), so we'd like to have a non-religious ceremony. What are our options in terms of officiants? Do justices of the peace only officiate weddings in civil buildings? Are there any other types of non-religious officiants?

Thanks very much for your help,
Dave

Dear Dave,
You may have a justice of the peace perform your ceremony. They will perform the ceremony outside of the courthouse. You need to contact the county courthouse in your area to find out a list of JP's that are available in your area. Also, if you look in the wedding pages of your phone book, you may also find a list of officiants that will perform non-denominational ceremonies.When you are looking for an officiant, you just need to ask for one that (possibly a minister) will perform a non denominational ceremony.

Best Wishes,
Amy Mader

I have been doubly honored by being asked by my best friends to both sing at their wedding and introduce the couple at the close of the ceremony. They have asked that I avoid the more traditional introduction and add something personal. I must admit that at first this seemed a simple task, however, as I began to give it some thought I have become rather unsure what would be considered appropriate. The ceremony is not what I would consider "religious" in that it is being performed by a judge. It is to be a very intimate ceremony, with only family and a very few close friends in attendance. It will be formal in that it is being held in the courtyard of a 5 Diamond Resort. My question to you, Amy, is "How much is enough?". I don't want to rattle on, but I don't want to be too abrupt either. Please help!!! The wedding is October 3rd OF THIS YEAR!

Thanks.
Tim Barton

Dear Tim,
Too much taling will loose the attention of the guests. I would say that you should keep it to 3-5 minutes of substance talking. You will know when you are out of substance. You may want to read a short poem of marriage and talk about how the bride and groom have affected your life and then wish them well.

Good Luck.
Amy Mader

We attended a wedding recently where the guests did NOT stand when the bride came down the aisle. It felt very different, but everyone could actually SEE the bride and her father. Our daughter is getting married on December 12, and we are thinking about doing this as well. Have you heard of this? Any ideas on letting the guests know so that half are not standing and the other half sitting? Thanks!!

Fran Larkins

Dear Fran,
I have never heard of this!! I do understand that it would be more conducive to the guests to see the bride, it is somewhat disrespectful to the bride to not stand when she is having her processional. If you are going to due this, I guess that I would suggest you list in the programs that the guests should remain seated when the processional begins. I cannot think of any other way for guests to be notified. You may run into the problem that most guests will want to stand. The guests will just need to be notified.

Amy Mader

I am unsure if my fiance's parents will pick up any of the bill. What is the best way to find out if they are paying for the traditional "groom's stuff"? My parents need to know because if they are not going to, my parents want to pick up the bill. Does he ask, do I? How do we approach it?

Michelle

Dear Michelle,
I would be upfront with your future in laws about this subject. You need to approach the parents TOGETHER. I would go to dinner and tell them you would like to talk about the wedding. It is important to know that it is not the responsibility of parents to pay for the weddings. It is a nice gesture if they choose to help. You need to present to the parents your ideas, the budget (definite prices on how much everything will cost), how much your parents and you and the groom will be contributing to the wedding. At this time, your fiance should ask them if they are able to contribute anything to the wedding. If they say yes, that is wonderful, if not, do not hold this against them and ban them from the wedding. I cannot stress enough that it is important to not let money drive a wedge in between your relationship with them and the majority of the responsibility lies with you and your fiance to inform them concerning the wedding.

Amy Mader

Very nice page! But I'm in a bit of a spot.... A friend wants me to be her "Man of Honor" and I haven't the slightest idea of what that includes... I'm very grateful that she gives me this honor, and immediately accepted.... Now what?!?

Zak

Dear Zak,
First, go to www.weddingwire.com and read the list of duties for a maid of honor in the tips and information section and you will need to do all of these. You will be in charge of making sure the bride keeps her sanity at the wedding and through the wedding process. Anything she needs help with, you will be her right hand person. You will be in charge of planning a shower with the help of the other bridesmaids as well as keeping them organized.

Good Luck,
Amy Mader

Though my boyfriend and I are not previously engaged, there are future plans for marriage. We plan to get married in about two to three years. I have started browsing the Internet, subscribing to bridal magazines and reading books which will help during the planning process of the wedding. My boyfriend insist that I am getting ahead of myself; he doesn't think that I should start planning and shopping for ideas for the wedding. He calls this being realistic; he says that when the time is closer to our unity then he will get into action. I'm very organized and want our special day to be perfect. There's no doubt in my mind that he wants to put off marrying me; the love is there but there is no entusiam. Does he have reason? Am I a dreamer? Should I slow down? Help.

Damaris

Dear Damaris,
Are you engaged yet? If you are not engaged yet, I would suggest you cool the wedding stuff for a while. You may burn yourself as well as others, concerning the wedding stuff. If you are engaged, take it slow if you have 2-3 years to go. However, you should start to read and educate yourseld concerning the wedding industry. There is alot to learn and the more organized you are, the better your planning will go.I would not make any decisions, place deposits or sign contracts unless you have a definite date in mind. All contracts are final. Most future grooms will become activly involved in the wedding process about 6 months prior to the wedding. I would not worry about that. In addition... abandon the idea of a perfect wedding. Not to discourage you, but perfect is a scary word. I would use the phrase Memorable and everything you expected your day to be. When a date is set, begin planning. However, until that point comes, enjoy spending time with your boyfriend and cherish the moments you have right now. You may scare him off if you are constantly talking about the wedding. I speak from experience. My husband and I dated for 5 years before we got married. Because I was in the wedding industry, I always spoke about what my wedding would be like. I always had a feeling that we would get married, but halfway through our dating, I realized that I was freaking him out. Someday will come for the two of you and it is important for you to worry more about the marriage than the planning of the wedding day. You will be with this person forever and that is a long commitment. When the commitment is right, all the other details will fall in place.

Best of Luck,
Amy Mader

Dear Amy,
I will be marrying a Taiwanese woman within the next year and she had a simple question about the wedding that I couldn't answer: Why, in our culture (I'm American) does the bride's family pay for it? In Chinese culture, the groom's family must pay for the entire thing. She doesn't really care because she and I will be paying for the ceremony ourselves, but her parents are curious (as is she) (as am I, now!) Any answer will be appreciated.

Sincerely,
Mark Stingle

Dear Mark,
What a great question. I always am amazed when culture questions arise. In the United States, we follow the British traditions of wedding customs. This is the custom of the bride's family paying for their daughter to move on with her life and it is their last thing to do for their daughter. In addition, the bride was given a dowry to bring into the marriage. This tradition has been in effect for many, many, many years.

Amy Mader

WOW! I am SO impressed with all those creative answers for everyone! I am so glad I'm not the only one in an awkward situation! My question: My boyfriend and I are still in college and we don't plan on getting married until after graduation. My parents love him, and his parents are wonderful. The problem? I am Baptist, and he is Greek Orthodox. We've been through quite a few religious holidays together, and we've always had a great time with each other and learning about one another's chuches. His parents, though, want me to be baptized in their church and have a traditional Greek wedding in their church. I am very close to my church and don't plan on converting. My parents are afraid that I will give up my religion, and become "the submissive Greek wife." This is also insane. My question: how do we navigate through all this and still have a wedding that both families will accept? We want it to be "our day", but we also don't want to cause a huge rift. We have a year or two until it becomes a serious concern, but we figure that it's never too soon to start thinking about it. We've done a lot of research on Greek and Baptist weddings, but we're always looking for more information. Have you got any??

Thanks a million!
Sarah Kathryn

Dear Sarah Kathryn,
Wow, this is a problem that will persist in your life unless you begin to take care of it. First and foremost, you will need to keep the parents abreast of decisions you make (they do not necessarily need to be part of the discussion process, you and your fiance need to have open discussions about this subject). At this point in time, I would suggest you have a civil non denominational ceremony. Athough it would be nice to incorporate some religious tones in the wedding ceremony. I personally think that a child needs to raised in a one denominational home. You will need to think about how you will handle this in the future. I probably am not helping very much at this poin due to the nature of this matter. My husband and I were both raised in the same religion, so this was not a bone of contention in our relationship. You will both need to evaluate your values and beliefs in your own personal religions and I may suggest you speaking with the minister and rabbi concerning the religions. This may help in your decision as well as you may find this your best resource. You also should not worry about being a submissive wife.. You are in control of your life and beliefs.

Best of luck to you.
Amy Mader

My sister and I have an unusual question. She is getting married in May, and we were trying to decide where to register for gifts. Her and her fiance already have more than they need to start their lives together, so she was considering not registering at all. I, however, feel that she should at least allow her guests to give some type of gift. Would it be rude or tactless to prefer money as a gift? If not, how would she go about wording such a request on the invitations? This is both of our first times having anything to do with a wedding, so please let us know if we are way out of line with wedding etiquette! I'd rather you email me to respond, only because I'm new to this whole internet thing. But, I will be waiting for a reply either way.

You're a savior-thank you,
Michelle

Dear Michelle,
Unfortunately, it is in VERY, VERY POOR TASTE to request money as a gift. A bride should not expect to receive a gift at all (although they will receive them). This is why you do not place registration cards in the invitations. So, you may have your sister register for some things in different price ranges (china, crystal and towels). This will allow guests to choose to buy a gift or send money. If guests know that the bride and groom have quite a bit of things already, they will tend to give money. Otherwise, the bridal couple may return the gifts for a cash refund. Most stores are very good about this.

Good luck with the wedding,
Amy Mader

How many bridesmaids do you need to have and how many flower girls, ring bearers and ushers?? I want to have a nice, uncostly wedding. But at this rate,it's so confusing I can't concentrate on the budget!!

Lisa

Dear Lisa,
You may have as many attendants as you would like. I suggest you choose very close friends and family members when selecting your party. You only have to have one attendant on each side to serve as witnesses. You should choose members who have been an intricate part of your life and yo will have continual contact with over the future years. I suggest you visit the www.weddingwire.com site and read all the information on it. This information will make things a little less confusing for you.

Good Luck,
Amy Mader

What are the customary(Roman Catholic) fee's to be paid to/for:
Church?
Priest?
Lector?
Cantor?
Altar Servers?
Church Support Staff?

Thanks,
Chris

Dear Chris, Listed below are the average prices, however your church will give you a list of what their fees are to have a wedding at their facility. Most churches will gove you one lump sum while others will break the total up. If these fees are not listed in your church guideline book, be sure to ask what the fees are.

Amy Mader

Church? $400 and up depending on if you are a member
Priest? $100 and up
Lector? Most choose to have a close friend or family member do the reading
Cantor? $200 and up unless you have a friend or family member sing
Altar Servers? Most places do not charge
Church Support Staff? Coordinator $200, Janitor $150 and up.

Where can I find (online) a collection of wedding vows? I am not interested in traditional stuff.

Melissa

Dear Melissa,
You may look at the following websites.
www.weddingsbythesea.com/ceremony.html
www.uchicago.edu/users/clandrum/wedding/declarationofconsul.html
www.rentapriest.com/a_wedding_blessing.htm
www.weddingplan-it.com/1-3-3.html
www.usabride.com/wedplan/a-vows.shtml

Good Luck,
Amy Mader

Hi! I hope you can help me.......a friend of mine has asked me to find a poem for her.......her son is getting married in 2 months and she asked if I could find a poem for her......something about a sons wedding day or from the parents to their son on his wedding day. So far I haven's had any luck finding anything. I would greatly appreciate any help you can give me!

Deanna

Dear Deanna,
I do not know of a specific poem for a son on his wedding day, but I do know of a song. It is called "A Song For My Son" and it is beautiful. You may order the tape from Modern Bride or Bride's magazine. In the middle of the magazine there will be a section of things to buy for a wedding and the tape is there with a photo and the company's phone. The mother may decide to dance with her son to this or just have it played during the reception with attention of the guests.

Amy Mader

I am living in Alaska and flying back home to Texas to get married. We have a guest list of 150 (all RSVP's) and have a dilemma. How do we TACTFULLY remind everyone that we cannot afford to ship all of our gifts back to Alaska? Can we properly/gracefully remind all that we will be paying for this out of our own pockets and request gift certificates? The problem arose when Texas and Alaska did not have the same stores for registering! If you do have a suggestion, can you please suggest how to word it on my bridal shower invitations? My shower is October 11th, wedding Oct. 17 and we fly back to Alaska Oct. 20th. Not a lot of time. Thanks in advance.

Tish

Dear Tish,
There is really no way to tactfully tell your guests that you do not have the money to ship your gifts home. You may have the hostess of your shower express to the guests that you would prefer a certificate, but it should never be written in the invitation. Writing it in the invite is unacceptable. If the guests know your moving situation, they may tend to send the gifts to Alaska.

Amy Mader

Hello, My fiance is orginally from New York and his mom still lives there. He moved out to Washington state (where I live and where we met and now reside) during high school to live with his father. My fiance's mother plans on hosting a second reception for us in New York since a majority of his family in New York will not be coming to Washington for our wedding. My question is are we or my fiance's mom responsible for our plane tickets to the reception in New York.

Thank you!

Dear Deborah,
Unless your mother in law offers to pay the air fare, the two of you are responsible to pay for the transportation to the second reception.

Sincerely,
Amy Mader

My fiancee recently purchased 4 ivory bridesmaids dresses (off-the-shelf and non-returnable) and now she is being told that the ivory color will not match her white wedding dress and will look bad. Having a low color-IQ, I am not able to allay her fears. Will ivory and white really clash and should we spend several hundred more dollars (the bridesmaids are unemployed students) purchasing different dresses?

Omar

Dear Omar,
I do not think that Ivory and white will clash as long as she mixes them together with a gold color. This will allow the wedding to be a muted tone and by mixing ivory, gold and white, it will look beautiful. The bride will need to consult with the florist , caterer and baker about how to do this successfully.

Sincerely,
Amy Mader

Hello Amy,
Since the maid of honor will be getting her self together on the wedding day, I will be helping the bride with her gown and such an hour before the wedding. What items should I include in a small basket to bring with me (besides a little sewing kit for last minute disasters) when I meet her at the church? I've been told to bring a small snack for the bride since she will be too busy to eat that morning...but what else should I place in the little 'emergency basket'? Thank you.

Dear M. Estes,
The survival kit should include:
mouth mints, scissors, sewing kit, lotion, 1 pr pantyhose for bride, kleenex, safety pins, tampons, hairspray, bandaids, clear nail polish, nail file, deodorant, earing backings, baby wipes (they get make up off the wedding gown) and water.

Sincerely,
Amy Mader

My friend's son is marrying a young lady from England and she has heard that in England the Mother of the Bride and the Mother of the Groom should not wear the same colour outfit. She does not know if this is etiquette, tradition, superstition or just rumour - can you confirm either way whether it is appropriate for the "Mothers" to wear the same colour as she has already purchased her outfit and it happens to be the same colour as the Brides mothers'. P.S. Your website is wonderful!

Annette

Dear Annette,
This is more just superstition. Mothers may wear the same color, however most opt to wear a coordinating color of the wedding party. I would just make sure that there are not hard feelings on the part of one mother. Technically, the mother of the bride is the one who chooses her gown first and the mother of the groom will then choose hers.

Amy Mader

Both of us have been married before. We live together with our 4 children(my 2 girls and her 2 girls!) and are getting married in Jan.'99. Both of our previous marriages were quickies in Vegas. Her parents contributed for her first. This time she wants a church wedding and a nice reception. I just want to get married. Who should be expected to pay for what aspects of the reception? We have different ideas on receiving wedding gifts, what would be proper? Say nothing, make donations to our church, say "no gifts" or to register?

Chris

Dear Chris,
Due to the previous marriages, the two of you are responsible for this wedding and if anyone wishes to contribute, they may do so. As far as the gifts, do not say anything. If people would like to purchase a gift, they may, but it is never assumed that a gift will be received.

Sincerely, Amy Mader

I just got engaged (one week ago) and already the decisons have begun!! We want a small wedding...so does everyone it seems, but I am afraid it is going to snowball into something too big. Any suggestions on how to keep it simple and pretty? We want to do a fall wedding...any ideas on decorations? We will have it outside, so I'm mainly worried about reception. Would it be too silly to do fruit arrangments...it would be less expensive and fitting with the season and all, but is it appropriate? And finally...how do you include family members without them actually having a role? Thanks so much!!

Dear Amanda,
You are in control of the size of your wedding. You need to be upfront with the participating financial parties about your desires. You must have open communications of your deisires. Refer to the Wedding Wire tips and info section for budget saving ideas. I think that a fruit arragement is really neat for a fall wedding. You may consider having a candle in the middle with pumpkin and squash around it and maybe incorporate some leaves. You may also want to use some hay in your decorations. This really looks beautiful. You may decorate however you would like just remeber to keep the same color scheme as the wedding. When you mix other hues, it tends to be a little busy on the tables.
As far as family members, if you are not giving them a role, give them a corsage and mention their names in the program.

Thank you,
Amy Mader

Great page! The most helpful site I've seen! My wedding is in Feb 99, my parents and I have seen many reception halls in various styles...Private clubs, Hotels, Restaurant's, etc...The one place we all loved was a Restaurant called "Pauls on the South River" . My only concern is, the reception area is separate from the restaurant but, the "Room" is a "flowing type" meaning the area is not one big open rectangle but several large rooms off of rooms (best way I can describe it!) OK finally my question!! Do you think this will "Flow" well with approx. 120 guests? There will not be a head table so this might work. I'm Confused!
Also, the wedding coordinator was very impressive, been in the bis for 20 years she had many cost saving suggestions such as not buying the toasting glasses or the cake knife and server, to use her words, "use theirs instead, the one's we buy will be put away and never seen again." she also nixed an elaborate guest book she said no one ever sees the cover anyway. And the big one...NO Party Favors!! This one kinda took me for a loop! I understand the expensive one's like frames etc. But don't you think something is needed?

Thank you so much for taking the time to answer all these very nervous brides!!

Lisa

Dear Lisa,
Most brides are tending to have their receptions in facilities like this. It will be up to your wedding coordinator to determine how the flow will work. If you are not having a wedding coordinator, it is the responsibility of the banquet coordinator (make sure they understand their responsibility). You may choose to have different activities in the rooms (i.e. cake in one room, toasting in another, etc.). I have not seen the facility you are using, however, with the right person, you will have the proper flow at the wedding. I understand the cost saving tips the wedding coordinator is giving, however, you may want to talk to family members and see if they have a cake knife, pen or toasting glasses you may use. It will provide sentimental meaning. To nix the party favor idea will save money, however, guests tend to like to receive them. I presume you asked her how you may save money and she was just giving you her opinion. May I suggest that you order chocolate m & m's and wrap them in tulle with a bow. This is fairly inexpensive and you may order the candies off their website and choose which colors you would like. You may attach a little tag (printed on your computer) saying something like "Thank you for sharing our special day with us" and then have your names on it.It is not necessary for you to have party favors, but I think that you may feel better having them.

Amy Mader

I have never had to do a reading for a wedding before. It is a short reading and I haven't been given any special instructions in presenting it. Do you have any suggestions. Thank You!!

:-) Jennifer :-)

Dear Jennifer,
The introduction to the reading depends on the ceremony. If it is being read in a religious ceremony, you will begin with "This is a reading from the book of Corinthians....". If it is not a religious ceremony, you will begin with "bride and groom's name have chosen this reading in honour of their bond with eachother" and then begin the reading.

Amy Mader

I am from a small community surrounded by other small communities. My Uncle is getting married to this girl who is from one of these small surrounding towns (about 15 minutes away from my town. My question is, who is supposed to plan her shower for my town? Her two sisters are in her wedding party, and I think it is up to them to plan it. I feel that it is their responsibility to introduce the bride into the groom's community. I phoned Tera's (the bride)sister to see if she had planned anyting yet. She wasn't home, so I asked her Mom if she heard anything about a shower for Tera. She became snooty towards me and said that "its pretty hard for her (the sister) to plan the shower...and its not up to her, and it doesn't look right!" I was insulted! I just figured it was up to the bridesmaids to plan those things. Am i wrong? If I am, who is supposed to plan the shower??

Dear Stacy,
It is sad that the mother responded this way, however, she is correct. Immediate family members should not be hosting a bridal shower. The bridesmaids, friends and other relatives hold this responsibility. Since the sister is in the wedding, she should participate in the shower planning process, however, the invitations should read "Please join us in a shower in honor of brides name....... Hosted by her bridal party.

Amy Mader

My fiance' and I are going to be married on Oct 10th of this year. The question is, "Is it proper to invite people to our wedding that already went to my first wedding?" I've been married before, she has not.

Dear Dave,
You may invite guests from your first wedding to your second, but a gift should not be expected.

Congratulations,
Amy Mader

Do you have any ideas for something old? Something borrowed? Something blue? The bride has all of her jewelry picked out (something new) and we (the bridemaids) are at a loss as to what to do? Help!!! The wedding is in 10 days.

Dear Michelle,
Something old is traditionally from the bride's family and may be a handkerchief, pearls etc. or may be from one of the bridesmaids. Something borrowed may be a ring, garter or petticoat. Something blue is usually a blue garter that is tossed at the reception or some brides will add some blue ribbon to their shoes, bra or their purse. The finishing sentence of this tradition is a lucky sixpence in your shoe. The sixpence may be found in most bridal stores.

Thank you,
Amy Mader

I am having a glove dilemma which I cannot find a reference to solve. At my formal, very traditional, southern, 8pm wedding, the bridesmaids and maid of honor will be wearing gold floor length dresses and gold shoes. Should their opera length gloves be white or gold (like the dresses)?

Dear Ms. Toal,
If you are able to find gloves that exactly match the dresses, I would go with the gold. If the gloves do not match exactly, you need to have white ones.

Amy Mader

The wife of my fiance's best man has offered to throw me a bridal shower and I accepted the offer. Since then she has been driving me absolutely crazy with a million questions all about the details. My wedding is 2 1/2 months away and I have too many details of my own to take care of. I have asked her to just call my maid of honor or bridesmaids to handle it but she refuses. When they call her she says she wants my approval on everything. I'm at my whits end. Now she is having a tizzy because she can't decide where to throw the shower. My mother offered her house to make it easier and much less formal than she's trying to do. (She is trying to do some big formal luncheon which I repeatedly tell her it's not what I want.) Etiquette-wise, would it be acceptable to have the shower at my mother's house? Then it would have to be more of a "tea and cookie" shower.

Please help. Thanks,
Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,
Although this is a nice gesture, the friend needs to understand that you should not really be involved in the planning of your own shower. I would tell her that you appreciate the gesture, but you really do trust the opinions of her and the bridesmaids and wish that they would handle the details due to your hectic schedule. You may have any type of shower that you would like and it may be at your mother's house. The only thing is that your mother should not be the host of the event. Since your friend is looking for help in the decisions, I would tell her that you want to have a tea shower at your mothers house. This is how you always envisioned it and if she disagrees with you, tell her she was the one who asked for your opinion. If she chooses to not honor your wishes, there is not much that you are able to do. However, it is important to make your wishes known (the place and the participation of your wedding party) to the friend.

Amy Mader

Is it proper to invite people to the reception and not the ceremony? The ceremony will be with family. How do you word the invitations?

Thanks for your help. Marie

Dear Marie,
It is proper to invite guests only to the reception and not the ceremony, however, most guests like to be present at the ceremony. you will send our an invitation that will say:


Bride's Name
and
Groom's Name
request the honour of your presence
at a reception in honour of their marriage
on Saturday, date 1998
time
place



Best of Luck,
Amy Mader

Hi Amy,
I am a young guy (just out of high school) and I am planning on marrying my girlfriend of 4 years. I haven't proposed yet but both of us are thinking hard about marriage. My parents married young and they think it is a bad idea. I know we are perfect for each other but my parents seem to think anyone younger than 30 too young to get married. I respect there opinion but I still know what I need to do. Do you think there is any good way to keep them happy and still get married? They've made it 26 years so far and I think I can do it too.

Thanks for your help!!
Joe Bergstrom

Dear Joe,
I believe that your parents are concerned with your marrying age because they realize all the opportunities that are available to you at this age and they would like for you to take advantage of them. Although they have made it 26 years( which is very impressive in this day in age) you may ask them if they have any regrets or if they wish they would have done it differently.
Because you wrote, here is my opinion. First of all, I married my highschool sweetheart. We began dating our senior year of high school , went ot college, graduated , got stable jobs, and got married at 23 years of age. Of course we talked about marriage throughout our 5 year courtship, but each day we discovered something new about eachother (this will still happen when you get married). As the years go on, your love will continue to climb to another level (even if you thought you could never love this person more than you do now). I feel that there are certain goals that you will need to obtain individually ( with a special person to share them with ie your college years) and then you will have the rest of your life to obtain other goals together (married years) True love will last through your single years if it is meant to be. When a couple gets married, it is important to remember that if you are ready to make this decision, you should be ready to take care of your new family. I think that this is what your parents may be concerned about. Anyway, no one will be able to control when you get married, but it is much easier to get married with the support of your parents. (rememeber, children may enter into this picture and you will need to have contact with your family).
You need to sit down with your parents and ask them what their expectations they had of your life and how they feel your marriage would affect these expectations. REMEMBER... THIS NEEDS TO BE DONE IN AN ADULT MANNER BECAUSE IT IS AN ADULT DECISION!!!!! DO NOT LET THIS CONVERSTION ESCALATE TO AN ARGUEMENT. Then, you will voice your reasons to why you want to get married, what your expectations of your life are and how your marriage will affect your life.
If you definitely want to get married, you will need to voice that as well, but they do not have to support it. So, by talking abou thte subject will allow for all the cards to be on the table and there is an open communication line for all. If you decide to get married, keep them involved in the wedding planning process and take thier feelings into consideration. If they choose to not support your marriage, there is not much you will be able to change their opinion and you will need to be prepared for this.
I wish you the best of luck with your decision and hope you and your family are able to make this a joyous time for everyone.

Best of Luck to you.
Amy Mader

Dear Amy,
HELP!!! I want a simple wedding a little one but my fiancee's family wants the big reception for the only son. I was wondering if you had any less expensive ideas that can make for a fun wedding without the hall. Example like is a reception at a park where everyone can wear shorts and play volleyball. Too tacky?

Sincerely in need of help,
Mandy

Dear Mandy,
Actually, the idea of having a picnic is a wonderful one. I have done this before and it was a great hit with all the guests. The bride and groom wore the bride and groom tee-shirts and hats (they even have these items for the wedding party (about $14.95 a piece). There were three games happening. They had volleyball, softball and kickball as well as a DJ for dancing after lunch. It was held outside and they served barbeque with lemonade and open bar. They had a wedding cake that resembled wildflowers and a grooms cake which was a bowling ball and pin.. The invitations were inexpensive party invitations, yet addressed beautifully. The table decorations, team winning gifts and party favors resembled cowboys, boots and catus' (we are in Texas afterall). The total bill for everything and feeding 200 guests came to around 6,000.00. This included the rental fee of the fields we used and the shelter area. This really would have been less expensive if we went through a local public park.The best part of this reception was that the guests had a wonderful time and still talk about it 3 years later.

Best of Luck,
Amy Mader

I'm looking for a top flight "horn band"/variety band that could play anything and everything from 40's swing to Motown to 70's to current.

Can you help?
Thank you,
John

Dear John,
If you are located in Texas, you may call Emerald Entertainment and speak with Jo Wells. A couple favorite bands of mine are Third Language, The Beemers and Mr. Fabulous. They may be what you are looking for. They will be able to give you the names of bands, their availability as well as they play dates so that you will be able to view the musicians live.

Amy Mader

This will be my second mariage, the grooms first. I have two boys, ages 9 and 5. I would like to incorporate them both into the wedding ceremony. Other than acting as ringbearer for the 5 year old, what part can the 9 year old play?

Thanks,
Suzanne

Dear Suzanne,
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. You may have your 9 year old son be a junior groomsmen. He may walk alone or with your other son in the processiona. Or, have you thought of having him give you away? This would be a nice gesture for you to offer to him. As a junior groomsmen, he will be with the groomsmen and may usher in his grandmothers as well as you.

Best Wishes,
Amy Mader

Hi, I have several questions.


1) Due to religious beliefs, we will not have champagne in our daughter's reception. What about toasts? Necessary or not, and if so, use the punch?
2) My daughter's fiance's parents are divorced. Dad is remarried, Mom is not. Need to know proper seating for wedding and also at reception.
3) Is it customary for bride's parents to give new son-in-law a special wedding gift ? Ideas, please.


Thanks so much for your help.

Marilyn

Dear Marilyn,
A toast does not have to involve champagne. The guests may toast with whatever is in their hand. If you would like to have a special drink poured, you may consider sparkling apple juice which is served in a champange looking bottle and resembles the look of champagne when poured.
At the wedding, the grooms mother will be seated in the first row. She may also invite her parents to sit with her in the first row. The father and his wife will be in the second row immediately behind the mother and may invite his parents to sit in this row. At the reception, if there is a head table, there will be three parents tables. One for the brides family, grooms mother and grooms father. They will then invite certain people to sit at their table. The guests are usually thier parents, siblings or close friends.
It is not mandatory for the brides parents to give the groom a special gift, usually they give the couple a gift. If you choose to do this nice gesture, you may consider a watch (engraved with a special message), clock, engraved plate, something that may be passed on throught future generations or you may buy him a give certificate to his favorite restuarant or a golf membership.

Good Luck,
Amy Mader

For reasons to long to really get into for these purposes, one of my bridesmaids has just dropped out of my wedding party, two months before the wedding. Besides the fact that I am extremely hurt and upset about this, another problem arises. Her boyfriend of 8 years (he's proposing to her 2 weeks before my wedding) is also in the wedding party. He met with my fiance after the whole situation went down, and reiterated to him that he will still support us and will still be in the wedding party, no matter what. He did mention that he had gotten a little bit of "pressure" from this woman since, as she put it "I know this is going to be hard on you, because if I'm not in it, then you won't be either" He told my fiance that he told her that no matter what, he's going to be there. I believe him when he says this, but I can't help but feel worried and uncomfortable about him having to back out as well at the last second. Also, since this woman and I were a part of a large group of friends, my concern now is that she will convince the others not to come because of her opinions. What should I do?

Andrea

Dear Andrea,
This is an unfortunate situation and sadly, often arises with wedding parties. First, if the groomsmen says he is going to be there, he should stand by his word. I would not replace the bridesmaid. I would have an odd number of groomsmen (2 men will walk with one girl). This way, if he does backout, it will not be that detrimental (well, hurt feelings). That is what I would do. As far as your other friends go, if they are not going to attend your wedding, then you should really evalute your realtionship with them. If they choose to not attend, that is a decision they are making and there is not much you will be able to do about it. You will be hurt, but it is important to remember that the only people who need to be present in the wedding to get married are you, your fiance and an officiant.

Good Luck,
Amy Mader

Amy, How helpful you are!! I just wanted to take the time to tell you that I love your site! What fun it is planning my upcoming wedding with your help. I am looking for some advice on how the guests at the wedding can get the bride and groom to kiss at the reception. I cannot seem to find any information on this. We don't want to do the traditional clinking of glasses or singing a song with the word love in it. We won't have the DJ until after dinner so we can't do anything that would require the use of a DJ. Would you have any ideas on the subject, or do you know where I can find such advice? Thank you so much for any help you can give me. Keep up the great work!

Christa

Dear Christa,
Although the singing is really fun to do, you may have your guests compose a poem about the two of you that they need to read. This is really a fun thing. They may all compose a small one, each guest may add on to what the previous line the one before them said or however they want to be creative.
You may also have a pad of paper go around the reception and each guest will compose a line to the story of your life after your marriage. When finished, your maid of honor and bestman will read it aloud. You may also make a game of questions about the bride and groom. The maid of honor and best man will go around to tables and ask the guests these questions. If they answer it right, you will need to kiss. The questions should begin easy and become increasingly more difficult. I hope these ideas help. As always, these games are meant for enjoyment and should not be malicious or hurt any feelings.

Best Wishes,
Amy Mader

Dear Amy,
I am getting married September 5th, and as the date grows closer I am having concerns on who to invite to my shower. A few friends from work came up to me and asked me where am I registered. This made me think.....are they planning on throwing me a shower. I don't want to just assume they are and not invite them to the one my sisters are giving me. Meanwhile, my sisters and I are suppose to get together this weekend and write the invitation, now I don't know if I should still invite all my co-workers or not?
Also, there is this other problem I am having. Do I have to invite my future brother-in-laws fiancé to the shower and wedding. She lives across the state from me, and she and I do not get along. She has said many bad things about me and my wedding, and she will not even say hello to me when she sees me. The only thing is I get along great with his brother, but I don't want her there. Do you think that it is bad if the invitation gets "lost in the mail"( if you know what I mean.)

Rose

Dear Rose,
I would have your sister call one of the girls at work and ask if they are planning on throwing a shower (in a tactful way) and she will be able to find out their intentions.
The decision on whether or not to have your future sister in law invited is up to you. It is important to remeber that you will be at many family gatherings with her and I would extend the invitation. If she does not show up, then you can at least say that you invited her. I would send one and not sink to her level of pettiness.

Best Wishes
Amy Mader

My wedding is in September. For our reception, my fiance and I plan to drop balloons towards the end. We are having a hard time looking for places that will rent a net so that we can keep the balloons on the ceiling. Do you know if something like this is possible to do? And do you have any sources for us to look at?

Thanks,
Gina

Dear Gina,
I am unaware of a place in Colorado for you, however, I would suggest calling political campaign offices and ask them where they obtain the supplies for a balloon drop. You may call the state legislature or a local representative. If you have not already, contact a wedding coordinator in your area or a rental agency to ask them if they may supply a name to you.

Best of luck,
Amy

We are getting married this Sept. outside at my aunt's plantation house. We are having a nice wedding but on a budget. I was wondering if it would be rude to have our guests stand during the reception (except for the elderly and sick)?

Megan

Dear Megan,
This would be just fine to do. However, you should make your reception food be finger foods so that the guests do not have to manuever with silverware, drinks and a plate. You will have a cocktail reception and you should provide seating for the guests who will need it.

Congratulations,
Amy Mader

I don't want my daughter to know about my problem so please answer my question in your ask amy page rather than sending me e-mail. I have a problem. My daughter wants all her bridal party to ride to the reception on Ninja motorcycles. I am also expected to ride on one as well. The problem is that I don't know what to wear. My daughter says it must be formal so I can't wear denim or leather. Also, she says I can't wear boots. Can you suggest what type of shoe I can wear as well. Also, since I have never ridden on a motorcycle before can you help me with any tips or at least refer me to someone who can help me. I really appreciate any advice you can give me.

Beth

Dear Beth,
Although I have never ridden a motorcycle myself, I would suggest you ask the other members of the wedding party what they plan to wear. Open a conversation with a statement like "Isn't this an original idea to go away on a motorcycle! What do you think you will be wearing?" Does your daughter want you to leave immediatley from the reception or ceremony on the motorcycles? If so, I would straddle the motorcycle with my dress on, put on a pair of sneakers, shut my eyes and hold on tight to the one who is driving. I suspect you will not be on them a very long time. To find out how to ride on a motorcycle, I would call a motorcycle shop and ask their opinion. Otherwise, just hold on and enjoy the ride.

Thank you,
Amy Mader

Whose name should go on the return address on the envelope, the bride's or groom's? On the two lists, when they are combined do you put the bride's name on the return?

Thanks.

Traditionally, the name of the parents of the bride goes on the return address envelope. However, since brides nowadays do not live with their parents as long, the bride's name will go ont the return address.

Amy Mader

Hi Amy,
I'm getting married this October, and my parents are paying for the wedding. They are allowing my fiance's parents to invite 40% of the guest list, while we invite 60%. My fiance's parents think they should be able to invite half the guests. They have even offered to pay for the extra guests, but my dad won't take their money. Now my parents aren't speaking to my fiance's parents. Do my parents get to invite more people because they're footing the bill? Help!

Marie

Technically, the guest list should be divided in thirds. You and your fiancee should get 1/3, your parents 1/3 and your in-laws 1/3. However, this does not always work out this way and the next appropriate thing to do is to split the guest list in 1/2 (especially if your in-laws are offering to pay for the guests). I would talk to your father and explain the importance of everyone's cooperation and that it is not comfortable for you and your future husband to have the families disagreeing.

Best Wishes,
Amy Mader

I am a bridesmaid in a wedding held this Fall. I am writing to you on behalf of the bridesmaids. We have a major concern about the bride. She is constantly harassing us about the dress, shoes, tiny details, etc. and is being very rude and bossy. I recently made the mistake of asking her to consider changing the shoes to a more reasonably priced pair. I was immediately chewed out and told that if I bring this up again, I would RUIN her wedding!!! I have started screening my calls now, for fear it is her calling me. For most of us, we are just waiting for the wedding day to come so this madness will be over once and for all! None of the bridesmaids live in her city and we are suspecting that when we arrive for the wedding weekend, the Bossy Bride will shift into turbo mode and really tell us what to do, how to do it, and when!! Please help! How can we tell the Bride to stop being bossy and rude? It is making this "happy occasion" no fun for the rest of us.

Thank you,
Gloria

Dear Gloria,
As a friend of the bride, you (or you may include the bridesmaids ) need to say something to the bride. I would say that you want to make this day very special for her, but she is not allowing you to make that happen. You do understand that this is a very stressful time in her life and you would like to make it easier, however, she is not allowig this to happen. As far as the shoes and the dress go, she has an idea in her head of what she would like her wedding to look like and it sounds as though she has made up her mind. If the items are not ordered yet, you need to say to her that although you are extrememly honored to be an attendant in her wedding, the cost is more than you and the bridesmaids are able to afford and it would be wonderful if a substitution could be made. I would try this and if you handle this matter in an adult way, and if the bride knows that all the bridesmaids feel this way, she should attempt to accomodate you.

Good Luck,
Amy Mader

I came across this web site after submitting a search for wedding charms. Your site gave a little backround on the charms but did not indicate they were for sale at this site. Can you tell me where I can get the ribbon charms? I would need about 9 different charms. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I have procrastinated locating them and I have a bridesmaids luncheon coming up in two in a half weeks.

Erica

Dear Erica,
You may find the charms in the Exclusively Weddings Catalog, Page 20 and their number is 800.759.7666.

Sincerely,
Amy Mader

Amy,
I have read your info and it is great but I need samples of thank you cards to help me start writing them. We got married July 11th, and I haven't even started yet!! My invitations and the whole wedding was sort of unorganized so I would like nice thank you cards at least. Please help!!!

Ingrid in distress

Dear Ingrid,
The thank you notes need to come from your heart. You may say something like this:
Dear ______,
Thank you for the (gift). It will be a wonderful addition to our new home and we will think of you each time we use it. We were so happy that you were able to attend and celebrate our special day with us. Your thoughtfulness is greatly appreciated.
Your name.

You may decide to talk about a special thing that they were involved in at the wedding or how their presence affected your special day etc. Remember, you need to send these notes out ASAP!! These are so important.

Congratulations,
Amy Mader

Hi there,
> My name is Kristen from Sydney , Australia. Hopefully you can help me. I am having a destination wedding in October this year in Fiji, attended by a small number of family and friends. I am wearing a dutchess satin gown with a low cowle neckline in an unusual colour, very very pale pink with an oyster sheen on it. However I am absolutely stumped on what my fiance should wear, cream or white, a suit or a nice pair of slacks and a shirt???? Bear in mind, it is going to be extremely hot in October. Appreciate any advice given.

Thank you,
Kristen

Dear Kristen,
If you are getting married inside, I would suggest he wear a suit. If you are going to be outside, he may wear nice slacks and a shirt. He should buy a special outfit for this day though.

Good Luck,
Amy Mader

Hi Amy,
I have really gotten some help from your site. I do have another question. What exactly are the host and hostess supposed to do? I know they are to greet the guests, but what other duties are included?

Thank you for your help.
M.

Dear Marcia,
In addition to greeting guests at the ceremony and reception, they should be helping find guests for pictures, answering any questions the guests may have (they need to be visible), they may hand out programs, usher (if needed), help the wedding party with anything and be an additional set of hands for anything (decorations etc).

Amy Mader

I just discovered your website today, and I think it's great! Here are some questions I would like help with:

1. Is there a way to have "co-maid-of-honor"? I can't seem to choose between my two closest friends! If that's ok, is it ok to have no other additional bridesmaids? (I did not want many attendants.)
2. On a related note, how do I let the attendants know that they will be paying for their own dresses (I know this is traditionally the case, but I hear some brides do help out with the cost)? I don't want to impose the extra expenses on my friends, and would like to let them know what they are getting into before they agree, since I have no money to help them out.
3. Is it a must to invite the officiant of the ceremony to the reception? I read that somewhere and found it strange since I thought I am already paying him for his services.

Thanks in advance!
Lanny

Dear Lanny,
You most certainly may have a co-maid of honor. Actually, you will have 2 maids of honor, or if they are married 2 matrons of honor, or if one is married and the other is not, 1 maid of honor and 1 matron of honor.
You are not obligated to purchase or help with the bridesmaids dresses, however, if you are able to, it is a nice gesture. It is wise to stay within a budget for the bridesmaids. Look for a great deal. The average price of the bridesmaids attire (shoes bra hose and gown) is around $200.00. You may always go up in price, but this is a nice standard.
Yes, you should extend the invitation to the officiant to attend the reception. He may then give a blessing at the reception. However, most officiants decline the offer to attend.

Sincerely,
Amy Mader

My husband and I will celebrate our fifth wedding aniversary this year, and due to the fact that our first wedding was rather small and informal we now want to reaffirm our vows with a more traditional, larger wedding. Is this o.k.? Or will everyone think we're strange?

Lynn

Dear Lynn,
This is a wonderful thing to do!! Have the wedding that you have always dreamed of!! You will really enjoy this.

Congratulations,
Amy Mader

Is 100 guests at a wedding considered to be a small or a large wedding?

Lynn

Dear Lynn,
100 guests at a wedding is the average size of a wedding.

Amy Mader

I was really happy to find your website:) Our wedding is only 97 days away and I am doing all the planning myself so my computer has pretty much became my best friend. How I didn't find your site before now is a wonder:)
Before I ask my questions I have an answer to one I read on your advice page. The sender was Cynthia about invitation programs to make your own. I found one at www.ed-it.com it cost $14.95 to register and is absolutely wonderful. You can make your own invitations, programs and it keeps track of the guestlist, rsvps and gifts:)
My first question is regarding my son walking me down the aisle. This is my second marriage and my fiancee's first and we are having a formal wedding. My son is 8 and I want to do something special to honor his role in our wedding and my life. I want to have a special dance with him but cannot find a song that fits the situation. I also want to honor my 3 year old daughter who is going to be our flowergirl. Any suggestions?
Another problem I am having is my fiancee has a 2 year old son from a previous relationship. We have asked his mother that he be our ring bearer but get the response "they don' know if they can make it".I want to at least mention my future stepson if he isn' able to be at the wedding any ideas?

Thank you,BR> Lynne

Dear Lynne,
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! I would suggest the following songs for you and your son to dance to : A Wink and a Smile - Frank Sinatra, Through the Years - Kenny Rogers, The Way You Look Tonight - Frank Sinatra, Fly Me to the Moon - Frank Sinatra, Unforgettable - Nat King Cole. I would then have your husband dance with your daughter. Or at the ceremony, after the two of you exchange rings, you turn to your children and make a vow to be a family and give them a ring, bracelet, bible or something else sentimental. It would be a shame if your stepson would not be able to attend and I would do everything in my power to have him there. If this is absolutely not possible, then I would have a photo of him at the ceremony and reception. You may also mention in the program the names of all the children.

Best Wishes,
Amy Mader

I am getting married during the Christmas season of 1998. Any suggestions for the reception menu? I am planning a brunch buffet for 200 guests.

Thanks,
Reba

Dear Reba,
I would suggest you have a variety or specialty waffles, pancakes, meats, omlets, fruits, rolls, deserts etc. Your catering facility will be able to incorporate your winter theme in to the presentation through colors and ice sculptures. Be creative with your caterer and let them explore new ideas.

Best Wishes,
Amy Mader

I'll like to know what kind of dress code is right (for the groom and groom's men) for a wedding scheduled from 11a.m - 3 p.m. Also, I already have my maid of honor but there is someone very important to me that I'll like to have as my matron of honor. The question is: Is it right to have a maid of honor and a matron of honor? And if so, how does it work. To further clarify the issue, my maid of honor is in Canada and will not be in Metairie (where the wedding will be taking place) till some days before the wedding, while the matron of honor lives in Metairie. Your reply would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!
Toni

Dear Toni,
For the formalwear answer, refer to http://www.weddingwire.com, go to Tips and Information and click on Attire and this will give you the answer.
You most certainly have a maid and matron of honor. They will work together to throw a shower for you and for the one who is not in the area will still be able to participate. They will be in close contact with eachother and it is really fun to have them work together. At the wedding, you will just need to decide who will be standing next to you (this is your preference.

Thank you,
Amy Mader

I am getting married in mid-October at a small, quaint restaurant. We will have 45 guests, the ceremony will begin at the restaurant at 7pm with cocktails and dinner to follow. Our location does not have a dance floor and I don't really like dancing! The restaurant has a CD player and speakers which we can use. My question to you is: Is it absolutely necessary that we dance?? Are there other activities we can provide for our guests that will ensure they have a good time?? Please help, I am getting very stressed out about this!!!

Thanks,
Laurie

Dear Laurie,
It is not necessary that you have a dance or a dance floor. However, most guests tend to like to dance. I would suggest that you have an area for guests to dance (it need not be a dance floor) and then play your CD's. If the guests really want to dance they will and if not, they will be able to listen to the music. Don't get stressed out!!

Congratulations,
Amy Mader

My daughter is getting married in a month. She has arranged for the wedding party to ride on motorcycles. I am expected to ride on one too. I don't know what to wear. Keep in mind that I can't wear leather or denim because everyone will be dressed formal. I can't wear boots so can you tell me what kind of shoes I can wear with my outfit. Something with a heel is necessary. I finally registered for an e-mail adress. Sorry for those times I asked you to post your response on your Ask Amy page. Please reply soon.

Beth

Dear Beth,
I would wear the dress that you are wearing to the wedding and when it is time to move onto the motorcycles, hop on, change your formal shoes into casual ones (sneakers) ,give your shoes to a guest to take to the reception and enjoy the ride. I am sure that you will be just fine and remember to not worry and absolutely enjoy yourself!!!

Best of Luck,
Amy Mader

My wedding is September 26 this year and I am having trouble finding a flower(s) that will coordinate with (green/pink/beige colored) hydrangeas. I am thinking cream roses. But wanted something different than the typical roses. I love bells of Ireland and ladys mantle. Can you suggest something, anything???

Desperately seeking flowers.

Dear Tricia,
My first suggestion is to go to a florist shop, speak with them and ask their opinion because they will know what will be in season in your area. However, have you thought of lilacs, magnolias and calla lilies? These muted flowers tend to work well in weddings. You may also consider lilies of the valley, enenemies (SP) and tulips. I would really contact a full service florist who specializes in flowers.

Best Wishes,
Amy Mader

I am planning a wedding in the Carribean in March 1999. It was suppose to be a quiet wedding for the 2 of us. Now our parents have said that they would like to attend, and also my 18 yr.old daughter and my fiance's 18 yr. old daughter. We think this is fine and would be great. The only problem is I have a 9 year old son that does not know that we are going away to get married. We intend to have a reception when we return and plan on having some kind of ceremony with a unity candle to light with him, to make him feel a part of the celebration. We really do not want to take him with us to the Carribean as we would then have to worry about babysitters etc. and we do want to enjoy our wedding and honeymoon. Am I being selfish? I know he is going to feel left out and I am already starting to feel guilty. How do I make him feel part of our wedding when he is not going to be there?

Thanks,
Vickie

Dear Vickie,
My opinion is that you bring him along and have the sisters or parents babysit him so that you will be able to enjoy your wedding and honeymoon. He WILL remeber not being a part of this event and I do not feel that this is fair to him. You may alsohave a special time or event done at the wedding for ALL the children to acknowledge their presence. He has just as much right to witness your wedding and he should be there.

Thank you,
Amy Mader

My father (just recently back in my life after 15 years, I am 30) and my stepfather (pretty close relationship) will both be at my wedding. Neither one is walking me down the aisle (my mom is). My first question is, I would like my step-father to wear a tuxedo and also do the father-daughter dance, but how do I do this without hurting my real dad's feelings. He is trying to be a friend now, but it would not feel right to do any of the "father daughter" things at our wedding. However, I don't want to purposely slight and/or humiliate him in front of 200 guests. Any suggestions on how to include him?

Thanks for any help you can give me.
Kathryn

Dear Kathryn,
Your stepfather should wear a tuxedo along with your dad. You may have two dances with your dads. Your step dad will dance first, your biological dad second (or you may depend on changing this order) and your husband and his mother next. You do not need to call them father/daughter dance, just special dances. You should not humiliate anyone. It will work out just fine. Just be honest with everyone so that they know what the game plan is.

Best of Luck,
Amy Mader

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